A dry spell — a period of significantly reduced or absent sexual intimacy in a marriage — is far more common than most couples realise or admit. They happen for many reasons: stress, new parenthood, illness, grief, conflict, depression, hormonal changes, work pressure or simply the accumulated weight of a busy life that slowly crowded intimacy out.
What makes returning from a dry spell difficult is not usually physical. It is psychological. Both partners carry the weight of the gap — awkwardness about how to start again, performance anxiety, fear of rejection, the unspoken question of whether the desire is still there. Some couples find that the longer the dry spell, the harder it feels to break it — a self-reinforcing cycle that keeps them stuck.
The styles in this SIM & TAST guide are selected for one quality above all others: they remove pressure. None of them require performance. None of them set a destination. Each one simply creates an opportunity for closeness — and allows whatever happens to happen at its own pace. The goal is not great sex on the first night back. The goal is being together again without fear.
Both partners lie on their sides facing each other in complete darkness or soft candlelight. No agenda beyond being close. This style begins with no sexual intention at all — simply breathing together, making skin contact, holding each other. It is the deliberate choice to be physically present without any expectation of where that physical presence will lead. If it leads to more, that is welcome. If it does not, that is equally valid and equally important.
- 1Both partners lie facing each other on their sides. Forehead to forehead or chest to chest. Both sets of arms wrap around each other. Legs may intertwine or simply rest together. The position is comfortable closeness — nothing more structured than that.
- 2Both partners breathe slowly and consciously. One partner places their hand on the other’s chest and feels their heartbeat. Spend a minimum of five full minutes simply breathing together before any other movement or intention is introduced.
- 3What happens after the five minutes is entirely unscripted. There is no correct next step. Some couples find arousal comes naturally from this closeness. Others simply fall asleep together. Both outcomes are successes — the dry spell has been interrupted by warmth and presence, which is the entire goal of this first style.
The most damaging aspect of a dry spell is not the absence of sex — it is the growing distance between two people who once knew how to be physically close. This style rebuilds the physical closeness before any sexual expectation is introduced. It reminds both partners that being together feels safe and good — which is the necessary foundation for everything that follows.
Say something warm before you begin. Not “let’s try to have sex tonight” but “I miss being close to you” or “I want to be near you tonight.” The framing of the moment matters enormously to how both partners’ nervous systems respond to it. A low-pressure, warmth-focused invitation produces a completely different physiological response than a sexually-framed one — particularly for the partner who has been more avoidant during the dry spell. Start with warmth. Let everything else follow from there.
Both partners lie on their sides facing each other with sustained eye contact throughout. If penetration occurs, it is from the front in this side-lying position — but the defining feature of this style is the eye contact, not the sexual activity. Many couples coming out of a dry spell have lost the habit of looking at each other during intimacy. This style makes eye contact the explicit focus — and everything else secondary to it.
- 1Both partners lie on their sides facing each other, close enough that foreheads can touch. Make deliberate, sustained eye contact — not a brief glance but a held gaze. If this feels awkward, acknowledge it out loud: “This feels strange because we haven’t done this in a while.” That acknowledgement alone often releases significant tension.
- 2Touch begins slowly — one partner’s hand tracing the other’s face, shoulder, arm. Non-sexual, exploratory touch that says “I am relearning you.” The eye contact is maintained throughout this touching phase without either partner looking away from the other for extended periods.
- 3If the couple moves into sexual activity from this position, the side-lying face-to-face angle allows continued eye contact throughout — maintaining the emotional connection that is the primary goal of this style.
Sustained eye contact during physical intimacy activates the same neurological pathways as early-relationship bonding — the period when partners gazed at each other naturally and constantly. For couples who have been distant, this familiar neurological state can rapidly re-establish feelings of closeness and desire that routine and distance had suppressed. It is not a technique. It is a return to a natural form of human connection that marriage tends to erode.
Eye contact during sex is one of the most consistently reported missing elements in long-term marriages. Couples who once looked at each other freely begin avoiding eye contact — often without noticing, often as a form of emotional self-protection. Bringing it back deliberately is one of the simplest and most powerful intimacy restoration tools available. Do not underestimate what happens when two people who love each other simply look at each other again — really look — in a moment of physical closeness.
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